Thursday, January 13, 2011


1/6/10 was the due date of our "other baby".

I thought about our other baby on New Years but 1/6/10 came and went like any other day.

Actually, it was a great day. I spent it at Ikea with my friend Emily and I bought a big boy bed for Coen.

I don't want to forget about our "other baby" but I don't necessarily want to dwell on the loss.

I believe in life at conception so I do feel a loss. I feel the loss of a child I'll never know or see. A sadness really, at missing out on someone important. When I consider losing Coen, my body aches. A fear and sadness like no other overwhelms me. I could not possibly go on living my life. I cannot comprehend it. This loss is different.

Sometimes, I think, "If I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't be feeling Wallace pushing against maternity jeans right now. There would be no Wallace." Then I kind of feel guilty. Like I'm replacing one child with another.

I haven't forgotten about you, other baby. I just wanted to say that.


japink said...

I love you and all of your babies

Amy said...

Thank you, Julie. I love you too.